I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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