I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
