They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize