After last night, I could never be a politician.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize