Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
