Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
