Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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