proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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