I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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