I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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