You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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