I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
