Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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