I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
