I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
