she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
