You're my little dorito
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
