my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
