our cab driver is having phone sex.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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