I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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