What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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