If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize