im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
