i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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