I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize