im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
