so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
