I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
