we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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