i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
