Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
