i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Drake has all the answers
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize