I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
