I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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