if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
