I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
