I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
