You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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