New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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