Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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