she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
