Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
