The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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