our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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