I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
