I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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