we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
