I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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