left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
