my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I will be naked everywhere
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
jump out the window naked night went bad
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
