she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
