I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize