FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
