i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
