Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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