I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
