I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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