Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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