she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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