you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
