in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
