I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
