Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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