I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
